So loved, yet so pissed.
If you need some "daily bread" to make it through, here you go. And I'm going to be pretty darn vulnerable in this one. Sorry if the title offends you.
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Warning: very vulnerable post ahead. I’ve even had to stop a couple times and just have a good cry. Why hold back what’s clawing to get out, you know?
This was supposed to be a completely different post. What I mean is I was halfway through another article and I just couldn’t finish it. Why? Because I needed something more basic. I needed something more foundational. I needed something to just get me through the day.
If you need something to get you through the next day, the next few hours even, here you go.
You’ve probably noticed that God has been moving and working in me and my family lately. I have a big announcement coming about a new book in the next couple weeks, I brought back my podcast, I’ve been speaking at conferences, I’ve been meeting some amazing people, all that “kind of stuff.”
But those are just the highlights. I think one of the reasons I’m called to radical vulnerability is so that you know that “someone like me” (whatever that means) needs Jesus. Daily, hourly, minute-by-minute, just like we all do.
That was apparent this morning. So apparent I couldn’t even finish what I was writing and had to pivot.
I’ll let you in on a dirty little secret: A lot of times what I write “for you” is really just for me. As I tell people, I think through my fingers. So these words, every morning, are many times how I make sense of the world — how I make sense of God. And this morning I had to try and make sense of life and God.
These words, every morning, are many times how I make sense of the world — how I make sense of God. And this morning I had to try and make sense of life and God.
Here’s where I’m at: As I was writing the initial post this morning, I got an email. That email interrupted “my flow” and led me to start doing some quick tasks. Those quick tasks led me to some bigger tasks. And those bigger tasks led me to check invoices for my business.
Big mistake.
See, while I know I’m called to be a writer and a bold, courageous, decisive storyteller, that doesn’t pay my mortgage — yet. So I use my background in news and digital media to consult businesses and non-profits. I like to joke that my consulting pays for my writing habit.
For a variety of reasons — the economy, me carving out more time to write, and my wife’s health — taking on new clients hasn’t come easy. Some of it by choice, some if it by choices made for me.
So when I checked my unpaid invoices for my business, I panicked. There’s a recurring one that sustains me every month. It makes sure I can pay the bills, both professionally and personally. And it’s late. Overdue. If that invoice isn’t paid soon, I’m in trouble.
This might be the point where you expect me to tell you that I quickly checked my business bank account and realized by some accounting mistake I had more money than I expected, or that the invoice got paid in minutes after sending a reminder, or I went to the mailbox and there was a massive check just waiting for me.
No. Not at all. What did I get instead?
“I’m giving you your daily bread, Jon.” That’s what God told me. “Your manna is here. For today. For tomorrow. I’m sustaining you. It’s enough. I’m enough.”
Friend, I’ve never simultaneously had so much good happening and yet so much bad.
So excited yet so worried.
So peaceful yet so anxious.
So much trust yet so much fear.
So much determination yet so much doubt.
So much clarity yet so much confusion.
So much confidence yet so much murkiness.
And every time I bring it to God, he tells me the same damn thing: “I’m giving you your manna. I’m giving you your daily bread. I’m giving you just enough to sustain you and get you through. I’m working.”
Every time I bring it to God, he tells me the same damn thing: “I’m giving you your manna. I’m giving you your daily bread. I’m giving you just enough to sustain you and get you through. I’m working.”
And I feel so loved and so pissed at the same time. Yes, I said that. Can you say that? I don’t know. I just did. I feel so loved and so freaking pissed.
There are several examples in the Bible of God giving those he loves just enough to sustain them. He gave the Israelites manna in the wilderness. He sent Ravens to feed Elijah. He even gave Jonah a tree for shade!
And he’s giving me just enough to get by. To get through. To do what he’s called me to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.
And it tears me up, in both the best and worst ways. That’s where I’m at. And he keeps reminding me of it.
So what’s the big lesson for today? The big nugget? The major takeaway? It’s nothing more than this: God is sustaining you. He’s sending you manna. Every day, he’s providing enough to get through. That doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. That there won’t be confusion or frustration.
But I can tell you I’ve never felt more loved in my life. And even though it’s frustrating and I’m pissed, I can’t deny that. Call me crazy. Call me delusional. Call me insane.
But you better call me loved.
If you want to help support my writing and this endeavor for $5/month, feel free to click the button below. No pressure, though. God’s doing something.
P.S. I play Air1 radio throughout the day. I used to listen to country music a lot, but for the last six months I just can’t. I’m not saying it’s wrong or bad or you shouldn’t, but I literally try to listen to it and I can’t. It’s like my soul is thirsty for something more, my spirit is in need of something more, and country music just can’t provide that.
So I play worship music. All day every day. As I was writing this, two songs came on that I don’t think are an accident. I want to share them with you, because if you are limping to the finish line of the morning, of the day, of the week, of the month I think they will encourage you. They’ve encouraged me.
Here’s the first one, which is called “Abide” by Aaron Williams:
Just listen to those words and let them wash over you. I’m crying just hearing them again right now. Seriously. In fact, here are those first four lines:
For my waking breath for my daily bread
I depend on You, I depend on You
For the sun to rise for my sleep at night
I depend on You, I depend on You
Here’s the second one, called “Firm Foundation.”:
These are the lyrics that reinforced everything I was going through this morning:
Christ is my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I've never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
'Cause He's never let me down
He's faithful through generations
So why would He fail now?
He won't, He won'tI've still got joy in chaos
I've got peace that makes no sense
So I won't be going under
I'm not held by my own strength
'Cause I've built my life on Jesus
He's never let me down
He's faithful in every season
So why would He fail now?
In fact, my wife wrote some of these lyrics on her bathroom mirror a couple months ago, and they are still there. Because they have to be. Because some days it’s what gets us through.
Because some days it’s our daily bread.
(Pic: This was my morning. I’m not using this picture to show you how spiritual I am, but rather to show you how dependent I am. Three Bibles and a journal spread out on my desk. That was my level of dependance on God this morning.)
Your post yesterday is one of the many reasons I like subscribing to you. You are so REAL. You were spot on about MacArthur to name one. Ready for the Podcast. Not a committed Podcast person where I follow everyone but you’re different. Don’t change your style.
“And I feel so loved and so pissed at the same time. Yes, I said that. Can you say that? I don’t know. I just did. I feel so loved and so freaking pissed.”
THAT is the realness of the life of a follower of Jesus! Thank you!