There are two little verses in the book of Psalms that are absolutely deadly for us. We read them, we recite them, but I don’t think we realize their gravity and what they actually mean for our souls.
I came to understand their gravity this weekend in a painful way. And yet, it might just be one of the best things that’s happened to me in a while.
Psalm 139 has a lot of popular verses in it. It’s the “knitted me together in my mother’s womb” and “fearfully and wonderfully made” chapter. I can think of at least three songs just off the top of my head that use inspiration from these words. But at the end of Psalm 139 are two verses that don’t get a ton of attention. And I think they have massive implications for us.
Here they are (verses 23-24):
Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
What’s interesting is that the chapter opens up with David saying something similar, but in the past tense. He says, “O Lord, you have searched me and known me!” And yet he ends with a request: do it more. But not just that, he’s saying, “Do it more, but also go deeper. Root out anything grievous in me. Try me and test me. Because I know there’s something better and everlasting on the other side.”
That, friend, I think is the dangerous part. Because I think when we ask that, we’re not fully prepared for what that means. And yet it is the part we need if we’re ever going to grow.
I got a taste of that this past week. The song I’ve been singing lately is, “Holy Spirit, make me more like Jesus.” Guess what: He answered that prayer, somewhat unfortunately. I’ll spare you the details, but starting Thursday and then over the weekend God searched me, tried me, and revealed something inside me I thought I had put to death a long time ago.1 And yet, there it was. It popped up out of nowhere, reared its ugly head, and before I had time to put it in its place, I had let it take over.
Crap.
And as is the case with our sins and our weaknesses, they don’t just affect us. We don’t sin in a vacuum, so to speak. And that was true for me.
Initially, I was able to justify my reaction. But as the Holy Spirit searched me, and over the course of a two hour prayer walk (that my legs still hurt from, by the way), he started softening me and showing the “grievous way” within me.
That isn’t a fun process. There were tears, a shout or two, and a little bit of anger. But by the time I woke up yesterday morning, the softening had taken root and my perspective had shifted. I realized not only what I had done, but also why I had done it. That’s a completely different blog, but suffice it to say that there are core hurts, wounds, and fears that still cause me to react in unhealthy ways. And by God’s grace, he is revealing those to me.
There are core hurts, wounds, and fears that still cause us to react in unhealthy ways. And by God’s grace, he is revealing those to us.
So why am I telling you all this?
Friend, I’m telling you this because even though the last few days have been difficult, they have also been a gift. This week is going to be hard. I’m revealing another weakness that God rooted out in me, and while I know it’s what I’m supposed to do I’m not super excited about it. And yet with what happened this weekend, God showed me that he’s still working on me. He’s still refining me. He’s still shaping me.
He’s not done with me. And he’s not done with you.
That’s why this weekend — and all its hardship — was a gift. Because I know that God cares enough about me to continue softening me, to continue sanding my rough edges, to continue making me more like Jesus. And while that can be difficult, it is the true longing of our souls.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t consequences in the process. I’m fully prepared (but not excited) to deal with those. But I also know that God can and does use those, too. Sometimes a pruning is delicate and deliberate; other times it is like a soldier hacking through jungle undergrowth. Both ways serve a purpose.
I invite you to ask God to search your heart, to reveal any “grievous” ways in you. My encouragement is not that it will be fun, but that it will be worth it. The closeness you get with your creator is unique and different. I started by saying the verses in Psalms are deadly. They are. They’re deadly to our sinful selves. And dare I say there’s a peace waiting with each death that “old” person experiences.
There is. And I pray you get the gift of experiencing it.
(Pic: I took this picture this past weekend while on a little mini vacation. On one hand, the vacation wasn’t as restful as I would have liked. On the other hand, it was way more important than I could have realized.)
For those who know about the struggle I’ve been dealing with over the last year that I’m about to be up front about, let me assure you it was NOT that thing.
It’s been obvious God works in mysterious ways. I, too, can feel his pruning as my own heart softens to past bitterness. This is an amazing write up. Thank for sharing it!
Beautiful work.