A sincere apology. (UPDATED)

That was a mistake.

UPDATE: After some continued conversations with people I love and respect, some raised concerns that this apology came across as disingenuous and defensive. They detected tinges of anger and self-justification. After reading it again, I can see that.

Friends, I can tell you that this week has broken me in a way I didn’t see coming. And I genuinely am sorry for the way my words have affected so many of you. To that end, I have updated the post below to hopefully reflect even more of my contrite heart.

In the end, I know I will never get it right 100% of the time. But I at least want to be marked by the humility and ability to admit my wrongs when that happens.

I’ve crossed out (not deleted, so you can still see) some areas that appear to still lack humility and added additional comments (and apologies) in italics.

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This isn’t easy to write. I’m wrestling as we speak. But it’s what I believe the Holy Spirit is telling me to do. So I’m going to do it.

Yesterday, I published a video with a provocative title: “Fu** you, God.” It was explaining how we should bring our struggles to God no matter what. And boy, did it cause a firestorm. I’ve gotten more negative messages, texts, and calls about this than anything I’ve ever written.

And today, I’ve deleted that post.

Let me explain why:

• I believe that as much as possible, we should strive to live “above reproach.” Even though I may not agree with everything that has been said to or about me in the last 24 hours, there has been a chorus of reproach offered. And that should carry weight. It should at least make me pause, take a step back, and truly engage with the critiques and re-evaluate what I’ve put out there. In that process, I have come to realize several errors and sins.

• The original post was a video that included a short write-up offering a taste of the contents. However, that video was behind a paywall, meaning only paying subscribers could access it. That was a mistake. Even though anyone could hit the “free trial” button and watch it, only one person (maybe two) who reached out to me to offer feedback did. No one else digested the full context of the video before offering their thoughts, and I am partially to blame for making it hard to do so. I originally thought about just going back and making the video public after the backlash and asking people to read/watch again, but that didn’t feel sufficient enough. In the end, it was my choice to put the video behind the paywall and I made it hard for people to digest the context that I have said is important. That’s all on me. And so I wanted to completely remove the post and write this instead.

• The Holy Spirit has brought me to this conclusion. I had a 5,500 word article ready to go that I’ve been working on since about 2am this morning. As I was working on it, I stopped to pray regularly. With each knock on Heaven’s door, God made it clear that the step to take here is to lead with humility and even repentance. Not defense. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s what I want to continue to do, which is why I’ve since updated this article. Humility isn’t a one-time thing, and we can always have more of it.

So let me say this clearly: I apologize for publishing that article, I apologize for publishing it in the provocative way I did with the provocative title I did, I apologize for any way it may have drawn the ways in which it drew people away from God or misguided them, and I especially want to repent for an initial heart posture in my private quite time that I now believe at minimum lacked humility, but also included misplaced anger and pride. I also want to seek your forgiveness for not making clear that while it is OK to bring our anger to God, it is still something that needs to be rooted out in our hearts and repented of. It’s OK to not be OK; it’s not OK to stay that way. I want to be clear that I’m not saying you must or should cuss while talking to God (as someone pointed out to me they thought I was saying). He deserves reverence. And while he graciously forgives irreverence, that is not an excuse to engage in it. And finally, you should know that I’ve privately apologized to a friend who brought up concerns regarding all of this and who I did not respond well to at first.

OK, that feels good to get off my chest.

Now, a few things I want to say with the important stuff out of the way: There are some other things I want to invite you in on, not to make myself look better, but to give you a picture of what’s been going on in my mind this week:

1. The original intent behind publishing the video and the article was to talk about the importance of bringing our anger, frustrations, and laments to God. I still believe that we are called to do that with every fiber of my being. And I will continue to give that advice and counsel until I stop breathing. I also still think God is big enough to handle our questions—even if those questions are provocative and even if they turn from questions to confessions. But what I want to make clear is that anger at God is still something that needs to be repented of and harboring it against him is destructive. That was not clear in the article that accompanied the video. And in watching the video again—even if it was implied—it wasn’t clear as well.

   1. The video talked about me turning back towards God in prayer after expressing my anger, but the article did not. I also unwisely omitted that the following day—after my expletive-laced tirade—my journal entry began with a prayer of repentance and asking God to remove my anger, pride, and selfishness among other things. Had I included that, perhaps it would have helped you understand that being angry at God is not justified and what we should do when we find ourselves with that heart posture.

   2. I think John Piper’s advice about our anger towards God is good: “Now, my take on this is that if you are angry with God, there is absolutely no point in hiding it from him. You can’t. You may as well tell him that you’re angry. The telling is not the problem. I’m not on a crusade to shut people’s mouths; I’m on a crusade to change people’s hearts. The feeling of the anger is the problem, not the mouth. So don’t add sin to sin: don’t add the sin of hypocrisy to the sin of anger. The battle is not with your mouth; it’s with your heart.”

   3. Piper adds this in another article: “And since God knows all your feelings and all your thoughts before you express them, you might as well express them. If you’re feeling critical of God, the sin has already been committed in your heart, and he sees it and knows it. It may be that when you express it out loud, you will hear how horrible it is to tell the infinitely perfect God that you know better than he does how to run the world.”

2. There are still theological points behind lament and cussing that undergird the content of the original post that I’m wrestling with. When I say I am wrestling with these, I truly mean that. I do not know the answers to these definitively. I have ideas on some of them, but I even vacillate on my answers. I’m working it out. Studying. Learning. And simply including these questions is not an attempt to softly suggest I bear no guilt. I simply want to be transparent and also let you know that if you’re struggling you’re not alone:

   1. Is any/all anger towards God sinful? John Piper says yes. I’m not so sure. Initially I would have said I wasn’t sure or even disagreed. But Piper’s points mentioned above about God being infinitely perfect are, well, good. If we believe God is perfect, then to be angry at a perfect being is wrong. Here’s where I think I have failed to make an important distinction this week and in the past: when I say it’s “OK” to be angry at God, what I mean is that it’s OK to BRING our anger to God. Job brought his anger to God, which I think was healthy, and yet he still repented “in ashes.” Mine required/requires the same.

   2. Are thoughts you don’t act on and instead bring to the Lord sinful? Perhaps they’re a result of sin, but are they themselves sin?

   3. Can you be sinful in the process of confession?

      1. If you cuss, for example, while confessing, is that just a raw confession or is it not really a true confession? And if everything in the world is tainted by sin, wouldn’t that apply to our confessions as well? And then, is there really such a thing as a pure confession?

   4. Is it OK to ever cuss at all? Said another way, is every utterance of a cuss word a sin? I don’t think so. But it became clear to me in the last 24 hours that many do. I’m not yet convinced it is IN EVERY INSTANCE. For example, what if you’re quoting someone? Or, as in my case (the prayer, not the post), what if you are doing it during a lament to God? (To be clear, I am still repenting of the anger in my heart toward God, regardless of where I land on the answer to this question.)

      1. Additionally, I have looked at the passages on language such as Ephesians 4, Colossians 3, and Philippians 4. I actually agree that in many—perhaps in most—cases, cussing falls under those. But where I’m undecided is if raw and guttural utterances that involve cussing during the course of a lament or describing the brokenness of life are.¹ (Again, my utterances to God quoted in the previous article were because they attacked God. But is there a way to express yourself that includes a cuss word that is not sinful? For example, “God, I’m so [dang] distraught and hurting!”)

      2. Is there a difference between a cuss word offered up in general and one directed at someone? Or what about one offered in anger and one not?

      3. Does the actual cuss word being used determine if it is wrong? Said another way: Are there varying degrees of cuss words? Who/what determines what one is? (I’m not a relativist. So don’t read this that way. But I know there are words I use that some people would say are wrong and rise to the level of a cuss word that others—including Christians—would say are not.)

      4. Does cussing fall under the idea that it may be permissible but not beneficial? Do some instances meet this criteria, but not others?

      5. Do we actually do a disservice to our understanding of the issue by interchanging “curse word” and “cuss word”? Are cussing and cursing actually two different things?

      6. What’s the line between anger and grief? If a cuss word is said out of grief, is that OK?

   5. How raw and honest are we “allowed” to be with God about our feelings and where we’re at before it becomes sinful?

   6. Why is the biggest problem people had with my article not my anger with God, but rather the use of a cuss word to express that anger? (This was a gross oversimplification. Most importantly, those close to me have made it clear their concern goes deeper than the use of a cuss word. I appreciate that.)

   7. Here’s another scenario I’m thinking through: Is it unforgiveness if you think about someone who wronged you, start to feel anger creep up, and then bring it to God?

   8. At what point does the thought itself take on the form of sin?

   9. Does “taking thoughts captive” and making them obedient to Christ imply thoughts will enter our minds but that we can head them off before they turn sinful? And if that’s true, is lament and talking with God about where you’re at honestly a way to do that?

   10. Finally, wouldn’t having no bad thoughts imply a sort of perfection unavailable to us this side of glory?

3. A close friend asked me to examine if the goal of the title in the original article was to get people to read it. Absolutely! Having spent over 15 years in digital media, the goal is always to get people to pay attention to what you put out there. If you actually believe in what you’re creating, you should do everything you can (within reason and within honesty) to get people to engage with it. I bristle in general when anything titled in a catchy way is dubbed “clickbait.” Clickbait is when you promise something and don’t deliver. But here comes the wrestle: Even if I’m right about the definition of clickbait, does it really matter if a majority of people think it’s something else and lump you into that? (The previous point is pedantic and unnecessary. I unequivocally apologize for using such a provocative, ugly, and controversial word to get your attention in an attempt to have you click on the article and watch the video. That was unwise, wrong, and unbecoming of me. There still has to be a line of decorum and acceptability, and it’s clear I crossed it.)

4. I’m also wrestling with what it looks like to live out my calling to help others—to be a bold, courageous, decisive, and vulnerable storyteller—in the age of social media. What is the right balance between “content” and calling? What is appropriate to do in order to try and get the most people to engage with what you’ve been called to create? I obviously don’t have the full answer. And Others are wrestling with this, too. (See Brenna Blain’s recent post on this here.) But it is clear that a line does exist, and my previous post crossed it. Again, I ask for your forgiveness.

5. My best friend said something this morning that I’m digesting. He said that everything we do, no matter how pure we think it is, is tainted with the stench of sin. It’s the reality of living in a fallen, broken world. That stood out to me. If that’s true, then even if I thought my intentions were pure in my initial lament to God last month, it is tainted in some way with sin. And as I’ve examined that, I can at least see a prideful heart posture that informed that interaction—a posture where I believe God owes me. Hence the repentance for that.

   1. However, as I have continued to search my heart and listened to wise counsel, I can also unequivocally say that repentance is needed for my angry heart. Not just toward God, but in general. I want that rooted out!

   2. Repentance is also needed for crossing the line in trying to get your attention with the previous title.

   3. My friend’s point is what led me to question 2.c above.

6. I do believe that if you watched the initial video, you would have had more context and not only heard but seen more of my heart. In it, I explained that I didn’t end my conversation with my cuss-filled cry to God. Instead, I continued the conversation with him and ended with a turn back to him, closing out with a simple prayer: “I believe; help my unbelief.” In short, I followed the biblical pattern of lament. But that was lost on many of you, But how I published and structured the article robbed most of you of that, and again I take responsibility for that.

   1. However, there’s a difference between an explanation and an excuse. What I want to be clear is that this point is not an excuse. I own this, completely. Perhaps more context MIGHT have POTENTIALLY given people a better understanding of my original intent and the full story, but as several have pointed out to me I made that nearly impossible to consume. If I thought the video gave such important context (which in watching it again it doesn’t give as much as I wanted or intended to), then I should have made it easy/free to watch.

There are other things I’m wrestling with, like if the prohibition against crude and unwholesome talk applies to laments. Or since Paul commands us to be “angry and don’t sin,” how can we do that and what does it look like? Can you be angry at God and not sin? John Piper says no. Again, I’m not so sure. He’s far smarter and more learned than I, so I’m hesitant to flat-out disagree with him.

And finally, I’m wrestling with why so many people—including those who say they love me and want what’s best for me—refused to take the time to fully engage with the totality of what I published before drawing their conclusions and reaching out. While certainly their conclusions could have been the same despite not having watched the video, it does leave a poor taste in my mouth. But perhaps in the internet age we live in now with 15-second attention spans and instant outrage, that’s asking too much. (In continuing to examine my heart, this was an unnecessary jab.)

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I appreciate you hearing me out. Hopefully you can receive this in the humility I’ve intended it and the honest wrestling with which I wrote it.

I don’t know completely where I will land on all these questions. But I can tell you this: I will be bringing all of them to the Lord. And I will work to examine my heart, before, during, and after I lament this fallen, broke, sinful world.

I hope you stick around and join me in that process.

1. A Christian woman I know recently lost her husband to suicide and she has described the loss, the feelings, and life afterwords using several cuss words. And in many ways, I think she’s describing those things accurately with the words she’s using. She’s not cussing to be crass or for cussing’s sake. She’s cussing to be truthful.