Forgive them.

I'm struggling with it myself. But here's how to try and do it.

When I tell you that I wake up every morning and don’t know what I’m going to write about, today is a perfect example.

I had no idea last night or early this morning, for example, that I was going to be writing about forgiveness. That was not on my radar. And yet, forgiveness is what God gave me this morning. And we’re going to “go there.”

If you’d rather be angry, upset, and stay in the prison your resentment has created, don’t read on.

Earlier this week, I talked about the different “parts” of us. We can have strong, healthy parts that conquer the world, and yet still have weak, “exiled,” wounded parts of us that hover just below the surface and often lash out. And while many times these hurt parts of us develop at a young age, that’s not always the truth.

Such is the case with one of my wounded parts. That part emerged a couple years ago when a friendship I thought would be for a lifetime ended unceremoniously. And for reasons I still don’t understand.

I’m fighting back tears just writing about it now.

I was reminded of that wound this morning. It started while I was looking for something I wrote a few years back. I was flipping through some pages and found a reference to this friend. Instantly, the pain, hurt, and deep, deep confusion grabbed my chest and started squeezing. I put the book down and forgot what I was even looking for in the first place.

For over a year, I’ve wrestled with this issue. “Why? What did I do wrong? Why did they do this?” Those are just a few of the questions. There are dozens more.

“Father,” I wrote in my journal, “either bring healing to this relationship or change me. Heal me. Heal the wound. Father, heal [this person]. Give [this person] your peace.”

I mean, that’s not a bad prayer. In fact, I’m going to continue praying it. And yet, the Holy Spirit’s response wasn’t about healing. Instead, it was about forgiveness.

“Jon, you need to forgive and release [this person],” he said. But he wasn’t done there: he also pointed out three other people in my life that I need to forgive.

Dang.

Here’s the thing, though: I’m not trying to fight the forgiveness. In fact, my response was, “I know you’re right, I just don’t know how!”

Can I be honest? I think that’s true for a lot of us. We just don’t know how to forgive. Like, what does that really look like? Because I don’t think forgiveness is like some Harry Potter spell: you don’t just say “I forgive” and then, voila, it’s done. It doesn’t just happen. Maybe for Jesus it did. But we humans? I’ve rarely seen that. In fact, I can’t tell you exactly how forgiveness happens or how to do it. Rather, the older I get and the deeper the wounds, the more and more I’m convinced it’s more supernatural than we think.

There’s mystery to it. There’s faith. There’s trust.

In fact, while I’ve forgiven people before—close people, hard people—looking back, I can’t point to the “moment” I’ve forgiven them. It’s been a gradual process. Yes, there was a decision made to forgive them, but that was the start of whatever forgiveness is—not the end.

So where do we even start with forgiveness? I don’t pretend this is perfect, but I think the following three things are helpful.

1. Start by recognizing how broken you are. I’ve found that I am able to practice forgiveness when I realize how much I need to be forgiven. When I recognize my own faults and the ways in which I’ve completely dropped the ball with others, it helps me have a different perspective on the faults of others. When I realize how much I need grace, it allows me to extend it to others.

2. Realize how you’ve contributed to the situation. Some of the best advice I ever got was, “Own 100% of your 1%.” In other words, maybe you’re only 1% at fault for whatever happened, and yet own 100% of that. I talked with someone recently who has radically taken this to heart. She was wronged physically and taken advantage of, and I was shocked to hear her talk about how she contributed to that situation. “Isn’t that victim-blaming?” I asked. Her thoughtful response: “If it’s only something done to me and not something I contributed to, how can I ever really heal?” Wow.

3. Pray for it. This isn’t a cop-out. Trust me. But I think it’s a bigger part than we realize. Again, because I think forgiveness is more supernatural than we realize. And how do you tackle spiritual issues? With spiritual tools. And our biggest spiritual tool is prayer. If you feel stuck in a hurt or a pain, I encourage you to ask God to work in you. To free you. To help you forgive. Friend, I can say that because I’m right there with you right now. On my own, I can’t forgive the person—and people—I need to forgive. I just can’t. So I’m praying for God to help me.

Are those helpful?

One final thing. There’s a really popular book right now called The Let Them Theory by podcaster Mel Robbins. I haven’t read it. Why? Well, there are some plagiarism accusations floating around, and they seem valid enough to have kept me from supporting the book thus far. (You can read about it here.) Here’s the explanation from the Amazon description, though:

If you've ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or frustrated with where you are, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you give to other people. Two simple words—Let Them—will set you free. Free from the opinions, drama, and judgments of others. Free from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you. The Let Them Theory puts the power to create a life you love back in your hands—and this book will show you exactly how to do it.

In her latest groundbreaking book, The Let Them Theory, Mel Robbins—New York Times bestselling author and one of the world's most respected experts on motivation, confidence, and mindset—teaches you how to stop wasting energy on what you can't control and start focusing on what truly matters: YOU. Your happiness. Your goals. Your life.

This isn’t “let them.” This is “forgive them.” I think there’s a difference.

“Let them” is throwing your hands up. It’s moving on. It’s self-focused. Forgiveness on the other hand? It’s involved. It’s gritty. It’s thick. It requires work. It’s uncomfortable and it isn’t all about you.¹

“Let them” is what the world says. “Forgive them” is what Jesus says. And from my experience, the Jesus way works 100% of the time. And it’s the only thing that will ever truly “set you free.”

Try it.

Photo by kaleb tapp on Unsplash

1. Let me be clear: I’m sure there are some helpful tips in this book. Lord knows I need to work on my people-pleasing and stop putting so much stock in what others think. But I think the best remedies are grounded in God and Scripture, not our own power.